Enlightenment?

“Enlightenment isn’t knowing, it is being.” ©Adyashanti

 

My God all these years I had assumed I knew what enlightenment was and strove towards it or so I thought in my blindness.

 

 

“The mind can’t tell you what is real.” ©Adyashanti

 

but the whole world sure thinks it can!

 

Enlightenment is just seeing things

the way they are. ©Adyashanti

Yeah,  the only problem is that we need to realize that we are ‘seeing’ through our

conditioning and the colour of everyones glasses are different.  Wow to truly ‘see’ things as they are!

Truth

 

Some wonderful quotes by Adyashanti I appreciate and felt like sharing and

in gratitude.

 

Just for a moment, let yourself just be here.

Let yourself stop becoming more, or better,

or different.

 

 

Nothing about you has to change.

The only thing that has to change

is that you stop trying to change.

then your true nature can spontaneously come forth.

 

When you’ve accepted yourself as a human being,

you’ve accepted the whole universe.

 

Spirituality is a deconstruction project.

Truth is what is left when the mind disassembles itself.

 

If you take this far enough,

you are going to lose your spiritual world.

 

all the above quotes are © copyright 2007 Adyashanti. All rights reserved.

I find myself apologizing for being so into Adya’s teachings, but wow,

they cut through everything for me and I’m so thrilled to have them blow my life apart……even though it is often like a hurricane inside.

go to http://www.adyashanti.org for more…..

Adyashanti

Enlightenment: What Haven’t I tried Yet?

 

Sat down one night after teaching a yoga class in the Fall of 2006 and this came out. Fasten your seatbelts if you decide to read my reflections on my 30 years of being spiritual seeker…….another warning, there is a subtle or not so subtle occasional vibe of a kind of happily exploding rage……:)

What haven’t I tried yet?

A bicycle trip changed my life……. Be conscious when I die’ the prison psychologist said to my brother and I. That made something go ping inside of me… only goal in life for the past 30 years. I have tried everything to become conscious except one thing.….. be a better person, purify my body, change my emotional patterning, dive deep into past conditioning and rip it apart piece by piece, therapy of all sorts, change my reactions to people, get rid of this anger, that grief, never get angry at my kids, be a more patient person, understand this and that. I had to earn enlightenment with austerities of all sorts. Don’t eat this, eat that, sleep this long, get up at 4am, do this many hours of asanas, pranayam, meditation, study and I’ll get enlightened.Wildflower in our field.

If I think this or that thought – I am unspiritual. Oh.. all the inner judgments. Practically every thought is a judgment in some way. Believed that people who meditate long hours are more holy than being a mom. I challenge anyone who thinks of themselves as spiritual and hasn’t had children of their own – to have a child of their own – get them up and ready for the school bus day and in day out. What is your definition of spiritual now?

Wear white clothes only as they are pure and colours are not.
Don’t wear leather shoes as I became a vegetarian of course. Sat and mixed all sorts of meditations at once, hey why not do it all at the same time – I thought. Blew a few circuits. Pretty funny. Sex and no sex. Save ojas or not. Raise my kundalini, go insane. Think I’m bad and wrong for even existing. Believing so called enlightened yogis coming to the west with the air of mystery. Teaching no sex and they all are having sex it turns out. Hey maybe they are enlightened, I’ll never know, they just didn’t fit into my belief about how an enlightened person ‘should be’. Believing beliefs – that’s what causes wars. Can’t enlightened people have sex for Christ’s sake? Why did I believe everything? Maybe if I read this book, that book, I’ll find the secret to life I have missed. Go to this teacher and that. If I look like you, walk like you, eat the same food, can you give it to me? Keep spine straight, don’t sit with bad posture – God forbid, how unspiritual. You can’t be enlightened if you eat meat, have poor posture, smoke drugs or cigarettes, drink alcohol and have sex. As a result I don’t smoke, do drugs or drink alcohol, though I did indulge in a few of those things. Didn’t give up sex for long. Driveway into the Quietness

Thought getting a university degree would prove to myself that I wasn’t stupid. Didn’t make any difference. Funny that it took 17 years to complete. Give myself good marks for persistence. Persistence this is what I have had for 30 years! Take this vitamin or mineral, magic water, fasting, essential oils, and juicing. Never got into raw food, though in my early seeking years I fasted long and regularly, smoked pot, drank, ran a lot of miles, practiced yoga at least twice a day, played tennis and had a job – all on the same day. Hahahaha. Had boyfriends for as long as I could stand them. Those were the days. What fun!!!

I believed that person or that book. I believed another persons beliefs and judgments about me before I believed and listened to myself. I never honoured any feelings inside especially when someone else had their own opinion. Should I do this or do that? I was always wrong no matter what. God can’t be right here, inside of this insane form, I am too impure. Thought I would get enlightened in this life for sure. Truly felt that until I started to read all the books that said it takes many lifetimes and one must be pure of all negativity and basically be rid of all human emotions and desires etc. Now I see that I had an impossible idea of perfection as an enlightened human being inside fueling much of my life. I see that perfection is a man made concept that we accept and believe on some unconscious level. Tried to be perfect not knowing there is no such thing – only an idea inside someone’s head. I projected perfection on to teachers and perfected projecting onto teachers. Wanted to be like them rather than discovering how the hell am I anyways or who the hell am I? Only the gurus were allowed to be enlightened. We are all supposed to be followers for ever because they are supposed to know everything and it is disrespectful to wake up ourselves. Some unwritten taboo. What would happen to my relationship with teacher if I woke up? God forbid. I’ll just keep pretending – better than being honest.

lightness of being - a light pink spring peony

Always resonated with “Be still and know I am God.” Makes me weep when I stop.
I was Christian in a mystical way, then a Christian mystical yogi, than a Hindu Christian yogi, then definitely a Hindu yogi, then in India as a rebellious westerner yogi, wondering what is this hindu stuff all about, feeling hypocritical. Chanting mantra, kirtan, ran yoga retreats. Thought all these things would get me ‘there’. Started to forget why I was doing all this in the first place. Became a habit. I don’t even know what enlightenment is, how could I even recognize it. Obviously my ideas and beliefs about it were wrong. Not good enough for anything or anyone. Got to get rid of my ego – all the while creating a huge frigging spiritual ego. All sorts of variations. The ego of belittling the self. I have great conditioning in this arena.

Enlightenment- a pie in the sky, in the so called spiritual world. What the fuck is IT anyways? Trying to live up to other peoples concepts of how I ‘should be’ and they are living up to someone else’s made up concepts. Concepts keep the world of so called personal hells carrying on. Talk about fuel for the spiritual ego. My God. Hilarious. Look outside for all answers. Always looking out. Always discounting what is here inside as wrong. To say No or Yes is like pulling teeth. Big resistance depending on angle of my perception. Most of life fuelled by ‘NO’. Mind blowing to really see this. To say Yes when the pattern of No is so big inside has been an interesting process. To say No when something inside is screaming it and the conditioning is afraid to say it because of self judgment and believing I have to keep everyone happy and make sure everyone likes me. Fucking hell really. All self created. All self created……

Have you noticed that absolutely everything is temporary in terms of doing spiritual practices? If you fast, do asanas, meditate, study this or that, move energy this way or that way, go on this retreat, it is still all related to the conceptual world that DIES and or changes form. Temporarily you’ll feel good after doing asanas, meditation, eating a so called ‘pure’ and tasteless diet. Isn’t it the temporary form that is affected by all of this doing? The conditioning comes back. We crash back into our humanness after our temporary ‘highs’ or retreats from life. Believed that only the old forms of spiritual paths are best, new ones are deluded. It is all a huge misunderstanding. Talk about ego eh! Being what I thought was a spiritual person on some deep level – I thought I was better and more holy than people who didn’t practice the same practices as me. Was I ever deluded! Its all ego for Christ’s sake….just different expressions of same across the board ignorance.
Funny isn’t it!

Sunrise Buddha

Isn’t God BIGGER than fasting, asanas, meditation, nationality and Death of the Body? Isn’t God bigger than believing this is the way to worship God or that way is the way to worship God? Does God care? WHAT isn’t affected by all this DOING? What is underneath all of the doing? The spiritual practices are on the surface of being. Re-arranging the temporary forms of existence – not saying it is bad, just saying it is not IT. What is not temporary? Don’t want to be stuck in man made forms anymore…. save me …….What is not man made? What is not thought up by humans?
Is GOD affected by any of the so called spiritual practices? I resonate with the word GOD. Maybe it is my church background, even the minister couldn’t answer me when I asked him to prove to me that there is a God.
I resonate with the words ‘ Divine’ , ‘Spirit’ and ‘Love’ and ‘Joy’. Despite seeing the hell on this planet created by man made religions – I appear to have a very devotional nature. I resonate with the form of Hanuman in a deeply and surprising way lately. Gratitude is my teacher. The altar of the Heart is my new resting place when it all stops and I take notice. The Alter of the Heart has always been here.

I resonate with the teachings of Adyashanti and am so deeply grateful for Adyashanti. Why not be open to what is here, here, here and here. Look at the leaves on the trees how still they are. Hanging in the air oh soooo still. Thousands and thousands of leaves on one tree – just being.

Adyashanti

Wake up or bust, become awakened, become conscious, get enlightened. . 30 years I have been struggling to be conscious. Do this , do that. A professional seeker. All the time hiding behind everything going on outside and everything going on inside. Always really simply afraid to meet what is really True…..no blame, just habits of humanity. Can’t do this anymore. …..breaking free, coming out of the self created prison, not knowing, no clue, afraid, don’t know ‘how’ the mind pattern says… hahahahahahaha.
WHAT TRASH ! ALL OF IT!

Springtime bud of a  wild Mayapple
A small green shoot peeking up out of the dirt, so rich, a big sky above, not knowing, IT blossoms into an exquisite flower. I’m going outside to play.

Can you figure out what I haven’t tried?

Sunrise at the cottage

………….on the morning I started to write these words a very quiet voice inside said from behind… GIVE UP. A voice I had never heard before from somewhere very very deep. Who or what said that. A louder voice said I can’t give up how ridiculous what a failure. …I’ve been listening to the louder voice my whole life.

Wait a minute….the one thing …. I have never tried is ……GIVING UP…..reeeeaaalllly stopping all of this doing. Don’t even know how to give up.
STOP.
Afraid to STOP.

Spriritual Seeking!

I’ve been an addicted spiritual seeker for many years. I admit, a part of me judges myself for this. I also know that that is just my habitual conditioning jabbering away.  To be free of sticking to the conditioning and seeing clearly the Truth that is present under it ALL, that is what something would like here…. once again the thoughts trying to get rid of themselves…. it is all hopeless, hopeless, hopeless…. why keep trying woman!

I asked yesterday, who/what would ‘I’ be without the seeking energy, without labelling myself as a ‘seeker’?  What would life be like without ‘seeking’ anything? I have NO IDEA!  WOW,  going to hang with that.

Stop looking from your cloud of hazy thought.

Looking from that vantage point is pure folly.

Look from behind that cloud of thinking.

There it is always clear.  Adyashanti

The Truth Soup

The following is a story by Antony DeMello in his book, “The Song of the Bird”.

I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw the name of the shop: THE TRUTH SHOP.

The salesman was very polite. What type of truth did I wish to purchase, partial or whole? The whole truth, of course. No deceptions for me, no defenses, no rationalizations. I wanted my truth plain and unadulterated. She waved me on to another side of the store.

The salesman there pointed to the price tab. ” The price is very high, sir, “he said. “What is it?” I asked, determined to get the whole truth, no matter what it cost. “Your security, sir,” he answered.

I came away with a heavy heart. I still need the safety of my unquestioned beliefs.

Isn’t that a fantastic story!! We all want enlightenment but do we REALLY want enlightenment and WHO is it that WANTS IT? There is that question again!

Fall leaves in Gormley

How about the autumn leaves? They are supposedly dying, but look how beautiful they are and then they float effortlessly to the ground in all their glory! Can we surrender like the leaves in autumn?

I don’t know…. do you think life is just one continuous creation? Maybe us humans are just the creations and playthings of the Source of it all and we aren’t the bosses! Humans seem to think we run the show!

Talk about creativity, check out these red maple leaves!!!!!

look at the colour!!!!

I think that is hilarious!!!!! what a hoot! Man can’t stop an earthquake or a volcano errupting. Man doesn’t make the trees grow, the flowers blossom forth, the leaves change colour! *or maybe with all our global warming we are affecting the earth… but not in a way our human minds would call positive. Perhaps man isn’t so all knowing and blah blah blah….. wasn’t the earth better off before humans started to destroy it with their beliefs that they could make something better?

okay I’ll stop, i can feel the rambling coming on…. got to go get my child at the bus!!!!! you fill in the rest……

Self Inquiry; ” What is it?

© Adyashanti 2007

The following is excerpted from Adyashanti’s website. This little blurb is about authentic Spiritual Inquiry. He has alot of his teachings on his website, at http://www.adyashanti.org. I really resonate with his teachings, hope this makes clear. For better or worse I’ve been attending his retreats/intensives for 4-5 years now. For me his teaching is like a knife through all that is not needed anymore.

Here is a picture of Adyashanti. He says that most important job of the student is to be a student for the shortest time possible! (those might not be his exact words, forgive me if they aren’t)

I obviously haven’t given him up as my teacher yet! :0)

Adyashanti at the same satsang a few years back.

Enjoy!

Many people find their spirituality taking them outward. They think they are going inward because they have heard the spiritual teaching, “Inquire and look within.” Meanwhile, they are out in the stars somewhere looking for someone else’s experience, looking for the right experience, or looking for the experience they believe they are supposed to have. This is spirituality going entirely in the wrong direction. Inquiry is a means of taking you back to yourself, back to your experience.

When inquiry is authentic, it brings you into the experience of here and now, bringing you to the full depth of it, pulling you into it. The question pulls you back into the mystery of your experience. “What am I?” takes you right back into the mystery. If your mind is honest, it knows it doesn’t have the answer. You ask, “What am I?” and instantly, there is silence. Your mind doesn’t know. And when it doesn’t know, there is an experience right here, right now, that is alive. You bump into nothingness inside—that no-thing, that absolute nothingness which your mind can’t know.

The answer does not come in the form of a description or phrase; it is a direct experience. And this experience, your livingness, always transcends any words or intellectual answer. In fact, the truth of your being is eternally transcending itself. As soon as it projects itself out as something, even as a profound insight, it has already transcended it. So eventually the inquiry wears itself out. You wear yourself out. You wear your ego self out. You wear your spiritual self out. You wear it all out. You’ve inquired yourself out of this whole thing, and you’re disappearing faster than you can put yourself together.

As Nisargadatta Maharaj said so brilliantly and beautifully, “The ultimate understanding is that there is no ultimate understanding.” When it’s in the head, it’s an impressive piece of understanding; when it’s in the heart, as the Buddha said, it’s extinguished. You find a living experience of being, empty of content, empty of you. This is where spiritual awakening begins. This is the living answer of authentic inquiry. © Adyashanti 2007

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I love yoga! Meditation or Medication? as Adyashanti says.

Don’t get me wrong because of things you see me write about yoga in this rambling blog i appear to be enjoying. I do love to share the assorted pictures i have been taking with my new little point and shoot camera. The following appears to ramble all over the place….. something really enjoys writing…..

I live and breathe yoga yoga yoga, or so i thought. I love yoga and if i hadn’t been addicted to it for all these years I’d probably be addicted to alcohol and valium like my mom was. The tools of yoga are wonderful to help us live in our daily lives and my body, my thinking mind and whole emotional feeling nature would not be the same if yoga hadn’t come into my life. My family wouldn’t be the same if i hadn’t immersed myself in the world of yoga all these years.

In an 1997 article i wrote that is posted as a page, i talk about yoga being 2 things, a process and a state of being. Yoga the process, is the methods that we do to attain a happy body and a better relationship with life on all levels. Thousands of tools to help one understand the workings of the mind, body and emotional nature. I say in my classes, use your body as the object of the experiment. Learn to watch, listen and embrace or give space to what arises in each pose. Can we melt into the aahh yes! underneath, inside each pose, even when it is a strenuous pose. The aahh yes is the Space, the Gap, the Stillness in each pose. It is the thoughtless experience of a pose and our LIFE! Not possible to really say in words, though this ego still tries. Find out for yourself….. drop into the relaxation that is already here!

soft pink peony

I spent so much time looking looking looking , doing doing doing. Patanjali, the sage wrote thousands of years ago that yoga is union of body,mind and spirit. That of course is the western defination that one reads everywhere these days. Now what does that definition mean to YOU? What does it feel like inside of YOU? Union of body, mind and spirit? Union implies separation. Can the body, mind and spirit be separate… really? From the minds point of view, everything seems separate. Even the word ‘union’ which many use to define yoga is a duel word.

Is is possible that ‘Yoga’ union, is already here? (forgive me as this is a spin on a question I hear Adyashanti ask). How can we find something if it is not already here. If we go looking for a treasure, it is assumed it is hiding under the ground for example. You aren’t going to find it, if it is not already there! Same thing in yoga/meditation practice…… How about noticing what is already here underneath it all? This is radical! You mean i don’t have to purify this or that, eat that food, not this food, think these thoughts , get rid of those ‘bad thoughts’… it is endless the prison of beliefs i have been living under.. What a relief!!! What has always been here in my whole life? You mean all this doing that i have been doing – I can really stop it now? What does the energy of doing, feel like inside, under any story I might tell myself? What is this? What is the fuel for the doing? What would life be like without being moved by this energy?

free and happy kids playing

What feels the same as a 4 year old and a 45 year old inside. What is THAT? Who is THAT? What is the playful spontaneous energy of a child, feel like inside. I have spent so much of my life resisting it all. It was a mind blower to really see/feel this inside. Is it okay here now? It is amazing how childhood learned patterns of survival for example – are still influencing me now – until take notice or am hit over the head with them!!! As i go deeper inside whether I want to or not, patterns are revealed and often I see origins of a thought/feeling pattern and then see/feel how it still affects my life now. Just in the deep noticing….and a holding of a sort, a huge relief.

WHAT ABOUT LIFE WITHOUT FEAR AND TERROR FUELING IT?

Wow! Seems like i have to relearn how to live without the fear and the utter terror subtly fueling my life. No idea how. ….. Will let life just unfold.

Might not sound like alot to you, but for me this is huge. You mean I don’t have to see life through the veil of fear and terror unconsciously anymore? The feeling of fear and terror seems palpable these days. i go about daily life as if it is not there, not telling my yoga students what is present for example… but hey, i’ve hidden from it this long, i can hide it in a yoga class – no problem…..

Wow, I don’t even know how to live with the fear of being hurt. Something i learned as a child. No wonder I started yoga, thanks be to God (old church words coming out of me) for teaching me about relaxation, yoga, and the Divine. Feels like I’m getting sidetracked here….. we’ll see.

My spiritual trip has been so much in the mind of beliefs and concepts. I would take a belief to be true and that would be my identity. I’ve come to see that thoughts in themselves are ok and aren’t the problem. It is believing the thoughts to be all true that creates suffering on many levels!!! It feels like to me, perhaps i am ignorant, but a thought that is believed creates the attachment or stickiness and the resulting pain or suffering. Check it out for yourself. Byron Katie has a fantastic process she calls the work. She introduced using 4 simply questions to find the Truth. I’ve put her websites on the blogroll. She has said the “All suffering is is an uninvestigated thought.” Investigation – oh something lives this inside here. Yes, I resonate with deep investigation, though it often uncovers that which i have been hiding from my whole life. FEAR.

1. a thought innocently floats through the mind

2. something inside believes it and I could call this stickiness or attachment

3. something CALLS IT MINE

4 because of this belief that the thought is taken to be true, the mind starts to judge the situation/self/others/world for example and then feelings/emotions and bodily response happens.

4 Rage, ulcers, heart attacks, depression,denial, addictions addictions and more addictions etc.

How about asking, is it that believes the thought? …………..

Oh my God…… it is yes, another thought that believes it to be true!!!! Only another thought. Where did that thought come from…. another person, book, teacher, the clouds……

What is not affected by thoughts? What is not conditioned? What is not conditioned, what a question….. what is not learned? What is not created or thought up by humans?

I AM WHAT? I AM……….. I can fill in that blank with many ‘things’ such as happy, sad, stiff, hungry. All states or experiences. What is the ‘I AM’ as it appears that whatever is filled in the blank can’t be the I AM. The I AM seems to be present throughout life. Everything else changes, comes and goes…. what about THIS I AM? What IS THIS?

A believed thought seems to be a huge part of human suffering.  I ‘ve discovered this inside for myself and am continually when i remember – checking this out inside here.  Even the whole idea of a ‘ME’.  This ‘me’ we believe in – or something or someone believes in, could it be the source of suffering in humanity? ”  What is this ‘ME” ?

“Only an uninvestigated thought causes suffering.” I think Byron Katie says something like that. She has a fantastic 4 questions that she calls the work, that I highly recommend to anyone wanting to investigate the Truth. I’ve posted her websites on my blogroll.

I started yoga years ago, because I was told by this prison psycologist that to ‘die consciously’ I had to learn to meditate.  To  meditate I understood because of reading BE HERE NOW by RAm Dass and Autobiography of a Yogi that I needed to practice yoga.  To die consciously.  Oh my goodness! What/who is conscious? What/who dies?  What IS asking all these questions? Where do they come from?  WOW!

The leaf below changes colour in all its glory, doesn’t seem afraid to drop from the tree!

How about meditation with absolutely NO GOAL, NO FORM!!!!!

red-leafshrunk.jpg

Baba Hari Dass a wonderful yoga master from India says that ‘ Yoga is Meditation’.

“Real meditation is not about mastering a technique; it’s about letting go of control. This is meditation. Anything else is actually a form of concentration. Meditation and concentration are two different things. Concentration is a discipline; concentration is a way in which we are actually directing or guiding or controlling our experience. Meditation is letting go of control, letting go of guiding our experience in any way whatsoever. The foundation of True Meditation is that we are letting go of control. ” Excerpted from the book True Meditation by Adyashanti. Adyashanti enjoying us crazy students, or not!

Adya goes on to write on page 10 of True Meditation; ” What happens when you allow your experience to be exactly as it is without trying to change it? Instead of a technique, True Meditation is actually a stream of investigation. What happens when we actually let go of control and manipulation? ”

Adya says later in the fantastic if not the best book on meditation ever printed,

“The point here is awakening , right? the point is not to learn how to suppress yourself so that you feel better. Its’ how to wake up to the reality of your being, and we wake up to the reality of our being by relating with our human nature, not by avoiding it. Not by going around it. Not by trying to pray it away or mantra it away or meditate it away. We wake up by letting everything with ourselves reveal itself, be felt, be experienced, be known. then and only then can we move on to deeper level. this is very, very important and it’s something a lot of people dont’ understand. It’s easy to use meditative techniques to suppress our human experiences, to suppress things we don’t want to feel. But what is called for is just the opposite. True meditation is the space in which everything gets revealed, everything gets seen, everything gets experienced. And as such, it lets go of itself. We don’t let go. It lets go of itself. ” copyrighted Adyashanti in his book True Meditation

My son meditating at the cottage on Thanksgiving.

Wow all these years, I was taught in the yoga world, control, control, control.  At my first retreat with Adya a few years back, i realized after over 25 years of meditating on and off, i still didn’t know it within – what true meditation was. I told him and he asked me ” Do you want to know what meditation is? I said, “I don’t know do I?” In one instant I discovered inside the answer, That which was always here.!

My Deepest Gratitude

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My son meditating on Thanksgiving weekend at the cottage . I am thank-ful for the teachings of yoga that my children now resonate with. I am thank-ful that they resonate with Spirit.

What is Yoga ….anyways?

Rambling, stream of consciousness, not sure who would care to read, but it is good to write. Ever heard of Jed McKenna’s books. Check him out at http://www.wisefoolpress.cm

Never had a blog…. not sure if i will do this…. i am a yogi unravelling at the seams. Warning, don’t read this if you are in the romantic stage of your yoga practice. It is not my intent to ruin your relationship with your yoga practice. I am just in a place where i am interested in only the Source of IT ALL. What is underneath it all?

Don’t get lost in the methods of yoga, drop into the TRUTH of Yoga that some would say, is already here right now!

Almost 30 years i have been practicing ‘yoga’ and only yesterday a thought floated into my head…. What is yoga in my own experience?

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How about the beautiful picture of the geranium for an answer. Can you dip into the essence that the flower expresses?

The answer comes not in words. If i use words to describe IT, is is only empty words on the surface of life. Discover for your self, what is yoga?

If you want to read what others have said about what is yoga, go to the articles on my website or read some books. But remember, we can forget ourselves in others concepts and beliefs and never get to know who we REALLY ARE!

All these years i have been believing and worshiping what all the books, the great yogis and teachers have written and said. I’ve taken their words as the Truth , and strived, seeked, searched, taught, tried to change or get rid of all the humanness inside as it didn’t seem to fit what the ancients and modern yogis were teaching. 30 years of only really rearranging my ‘ego’ and all this time i thought i was trying to get rid of it! Wow, what a shock! I;m not saying what they said isn’t true, i am just suggesting it is time to investigate for myself, go deeper than surface beliefs. So much of what i have done, thought, and or believed in was just putting bandaids on the conscious or unconscious pain that every once and a while would surface. Yoga, the spiritual quest was all just me trying to feel better, to help me escape and not feel what i was feeling. I would go and get my fix through yoga and all it had to offer to leave the present moment and float away in some altered space. Let me put on incense, turn down the lights, new age floating music and do 5000 hours of asanas, pranayam and do the methods with the aim of ‘getting somewhere’ other than here. Truly for me, a huge resistance to all of life, from before i can even remember, inside like a seething little hairless Voldemort, manipulating my daily life now, inner and outer.

Can we live now free of all past, our parents, their parents and further back.The beach in Cuba!

All practices started with the aim of enlightenment or so i thought ….Learned to believe that enlightenment was only for the purest of pure humans and that it must be earned by hard austerities and non emotional people that always have a smile on their face and moved, thought, spoke slowly. Speediness is not allowed, it is bad and unyogic or so i thought. All humanness was supposed to be controlled as it is said to be ‘not pure’ and negative. So much of yoga is about control = control your thoughts, control the breathe, control the body, control the desires, feelings, words, interactions, time, our big toes – you name it – all about control.

Control, judgement and fear seem to go hand in hand. A thought comes up that comments on something, it is believed on an unconsious level to be true and then we believe that we must change what is happening either inside or outside. We must ‘get rid of this or that’. We think when the inside or outside is changed to fit the picture of what the controller believes is right or ‘perfect’ than all will be well. The judging thought believes it is correct and all knowing in its assessment of the situation at hand. The energy of fear arises due to our belief that the judgement is correct. Or was the fear first to arise ? Was all the judgements , control, rage due to fear? Will i be found out?

unravelling some morre….

The fear of being beaten down physically, verbally, emotionally. I am feeling this in the body, phew….wow….. this seems to have been unconsciously been fueling my whole life. Oh My God! Now i see my father and mother in a whole new light, a bigger picture….. the BUCK STOPS HERE! Adyashanti says that the darkness comes up to be meet in the light. This seems to be what is happening more and more. Intense but also a great relief. How else can I describe it? The picture below, the first spring flower coming up out of the mud and ages leaves. Incredible to really see this in the spring. This flower is inside under all our conditioning!

wild bloodroot in spring

This seems worth meditating on! The first flower in spring, wild bloodroot!

IS IT TRUE?

Control seems to be all about not feeling what is here. Put boundaries/limits on absolutely everything. The belief that what is here is wrong, impure, can’t deal with it, let me escape, resist my life til i die. Put a lid on life energy manifesting or else! The energy of fear presents itself inside. Quick stop breathing!

What about a yoga practice that is about being here, exploring and discovering from one’s own perspective!

Rather than lets get into this level of samadhi and float for 2 hours, while the dog is tearing the house apart. Altered states are fine and dandy, but the shit hits the road when the dishes are dirty and there are 10 loads of laundry to be sorted, the furballs are rolling in the living room, dinner needs to be made, the emails answered, the letters mailed, the phonecalls answered, kids driven to there classes, family members wanting to be noticed and recognised, friends wanting to have lunch. My God…… how does yoga come into this arena!!!!!Into LIFE not just on a mat in some serene yoga studio for God’s sake!!!!!

What about a yoga practice that teaches one to go into the fear, the judgements, the pain when it arises and meet it all with a huuuge aaahhh YES this too.

Who/what is the controller? Meditate on that! What does energy of the controller feel like inside? What is the source of the controller inside feel like? what is it? What am I without fear, judgement, control? How do i live without fear? Who would i be without fear?

somewhere over the rainbow in my OWN BACKYARD!
i’ve tried to put a picture with this post, i took it a few weeks back literally in my backyard. I’ve called it – Somewhere over the Rainbow…… the spiritual quest is like always looking to the end of the rainbow. How about hanging out in the deliciousness of the rainbow right here?

This has been a fun rant. Always something to learn.