Silent Retreat – poem by Dorothy Hunt

Retreat

Sit quietly.
Strip off the masks
of self-deception,
self-reflection,
self-improvement,
self-judgment.
If you want truth,
these activities waste energy.

Sit quietly.
What is peering out
from behind your mask?
Without relying on a single thought,
who are you?
No matter what you see,
there is more unseen.
Always, the Mystery invites itself deeper.

© Dorothy S. Hunt

Gicky Guru or a Real Teacher?

Just because someone is sitting in the teachers chair, doesn’t mean a thing! Listening deeply to what is present here inside, has become much more a reality thanks to a visit in Toronto from a so called non-dual ‘awakened ‘ teacher a while back. I see how the intention to please others and believing I was responsible for their happiness has motivated so much of my life.  Perhaps 99%.

Nothing new to have false teachers, just shocked me that I would go to the weekend after feeling so strongly inside not to host his event and have him live at my house while he is here.  The addiction to not deeply listening internally to what is ‘here’ has up to this point been strong.  On some level, I chose to forget my initial intuition about this teacher? Thank God, the first clue I did listen to, was when I was asked to host him here when he was visiting from his home in Europe. My first instinct was an across the board NO and that is what I said. Unusual for me as I am often the dog in the world of service. I suggested my friends in Toronto host this teacher. They agreed and as a result, I found myself going down to his satsangs. Absolutely anyone can write a book and sound enlightened.

Om swaha….at my own delusion or that part in me that was addicted to believing that answers/help are outside. It was a traumatic weekend on many levels and I can’t blame the teacher. I can only blame myself for putting myself in the position of thinking he had something to ‘teach or share.’ I unconsciously put him in a position of power. I suppose he did have something to teach me and that was run the other the direction and if on some level I am resisting what a teacher is saying — THAT IS HONORING THE TRUTH IN MY SELF and not something wrong with me as he would like me to believe. Perhaps by even going to hear a teacher speak could be coming from a deep place inside that thinks something is wrong with me…. okay I own that. I own that I can project on a teacher, but I honestly think that sometimes even teachers can project their ‘stuff” on unsuspecting students.

Get the big picture!  Whole Tulip

Can we go listen to a teacher or sit in satsang simply in Stillness, without wanting or expecting anything?  I have no idea as I don’t think I’ve done that often.

Consider a radio – it has energy going through it, and one can pick different channels to hear different music, talk shows etc. Same thing with humans and energy. How one person perceives energy can be quite different than another and for one person to force their energetic perspective on another is a violation. This is a boundary that I didn’t have on that weekend. A so called ‘awakened’ teacher in my misguided perception would know not to force themselves on a person sitting in the ‘question chair’. Then again, I went into a post traumatic state of numbness and couldn’t feel or move, so I am discovering the aspect of compassion to that part inside that couldn’t move and didn’t understand what was going on. The meeting with this so called teacher re awakened all the ‘bad’ memories with men I had when I was younger.  I thank him for that.  Guess it was time to deal with those energies again.

What this experience did for me was to really hit me over the head with a sledge hammer – how I give my power away, consciously or not. Almost constantly, never being true to what is my own experience. I am learning, but wow! As all humans, I have/had some really deep seated sticky patterns that want to keep coming up and playing.  Some I’ve pushed under the floor boards, hoping they wouldn’t emerge again.   Hiding seems to be over !!! I suppose I could thank that so called ‘teacher’ for that adjustment in the ‘addicted seeker energy’, that still emerges. I hope I learned whatever lesson I was meant to learn…..

My role was sitting in the chair and letting this so called teacher ‘teach’. I wouldn’t call his expression at all related to the non-dual teachings. I never knew what spiritual rape was until going to a meeting with him. I think perhaps, he is trying to be a Muktananda kind of teacher and awaken people’s dormant spiritual energy. Very dangerous what he was doing from my limited perspective.

I’ve been there and done that ‘waking up the kundalini thing’ and it is not something to be played with lightly. I know from my own experience in my early 20’s the dangers of playing with fire.

As I sat and watched him work with others and always talk about getting in the body, it didn’t seem like he was getting people into the physical body at all, but getting them to feel ‘energy’ in their bodies. His whole approach was energetic and we were supposed to feel him inside of us. He would say things to me like, ‘feel me inside of you’. Yuck, gucky, let me go vomit. Did I ask you to get inside of me..(not consciously at least) .. okay it is beginning to feel like a guy forcing himself on me and trying to make me feel guilty if I’m not into it.  Or – there is something wrong with me because I won’t let him  in… OMG.  Is this guy for real?

I’d like to ask… To what are you referring as the ‘you’ who wants to get inside of me??? He had a gift with energy and I felt he was getting caught in the oldest trap in the spiritual world. Getting lost his siddhis (powers). What does this energy stuff have to do the Truth for example? I’ll answer that… nothing. At least nothing in the way he was expressing it. This is all simply my deluded opinion and there were people at the satsang who were gaga about this teacher. The energy experience was  new  and very seductive for them.  Simply spiritual candy as some teachers call it.

A friend told me her way of deciding if a teacher is for her. Take them off the podium of the teachers chair and see if what they say would be something you would resonate with from a stranger for example. Okay, here are some of the words this teacher said to me within the first 3 minutes; ‘Its the striper, I can’t wait for you to take it all off on the table, I want to be there, you are the baddie, the wild woman, you are so bad, we can make love energetically, let yourself feel me inside of you etc.” . Over and over again he called me the stripper and the most controlled  juicey person he had ever met.  OMG….. Yes I am serious! Hey, i’m am a cooked turkey, not a spring chicken!  These are the words of a non-dual teacher who people seem to worship  because he has an ability to move energy?   blah blah blah.  I’ll say it again.. anyone can write a book or talk about TRUTH.  Integrity is a quality that I choose  is part of ‘living the Truth’.  His expression os so called Truth,  did not ring in on the level of integrity !!!!  Its only my opinion of course.

There is a reason the yogis in the old days taught the *yamas and niyamas before any other yogic practices.  That reason is so that the humans don’t act as animals when the spiritual energies  awaken and integrity doesn’t get lost in the excitement of the energy.

Whether  that teacher was coming from a True non-dual perspective or simply from missing his wife……Everything/everyone can teach us something and this lesson was  a big one for me.

om swaha…….

A prayer …..

May the voice of Truth, Reign Strong and Free in those of us who had it crushed in our early years. May the courage to speak come through the ‘conditioned hells’ that seem to keep moving us in directions of pain. May the STOPPING become complete.

Sending compassion, sweetness and love to that part inside that looks to authority for answers. May we  (I) awaken to that which doesn’t need to ask questions, which doesn’t need to be fixed, which doesn’t need to change. May we(I) give Space to that in us that has been here since before we were born and started to seek.

This tulip was in my garden last spring….

1.Yamas (restraints) has five parts:

a) non-violence (ahimsa)

b) truthfulness (satya)

c) non-stealing (asteya)

d) continence(brahmacharaya)

e) non-hoarding (aparigraha)

2. Niyamas (observances) has five parts:

a) cleanliness (shaucha)

b) contentment (santosh)

c) austerity (tapas)

d) self-study (svadhyaya)

e) surrender to God (Iswara-pranidhana)

Spiritually seeking what?

I am finally getting or ‘grocking’ the story about the beggar who for his whole life was sitting on the street waiting for people to give him money. Always he was waiting for the gold to appear in his begging bowl, always thinking that he needed more $ and a lack of something. A stranger/holy man came along and told him that he was sitting on his treasure all along. He said oh no you are mistaken!…. He eventually looked under the box he was sitting on and there was a pot of gold, all along it had been there, he just didn’t look! I just probably destroyed that story, but it went something like that.

In terms of this life here. A few years back I started to have resistance to being ‘called’ a spiritual seeker. I had so much ego/energy/life tied up with being a spiritual seeker = phew! Made me feel better about myself. I hid behind the mask of a spiritual seeker, from myself and others.

What is THAT which I have been seeking? Is That which is seeked to be found in a new book, a technique, a teacher’s words, a teachers’ presence, a teachers gaze, the teachers’ grace, the teacher loving me and me feeling that, satsang with a teacher or basically somewhere else than whatever is going on here?

“Don’t imitate your teacher or your guru.

Find within yourself that power which moves him. ” written by Adyashanti

That which is seeked; can we buy it at a store, get IT from someone else, ‘get’ IT at all? Why do we think we can ‘get’ it?
Usually spiritual seekers are looking for something as if an object is to be obtained. They (I) believe (d) if they purify themselves of whatever is bad, wrong, impure, then they will have earned the enlightenment, peace, truth, consciousness or whatever they were seeking. I was taught this and I believed this for many years. So many books are coming from the angle that something is wrong or there is a problem that needs to be fixed and the author sets out to show us how to fix ourselves and make ourselves better human beings.

IS IT TRUE?

Here is another quote I love;

“The problem is that most people seek out

religions of all sorts as a way to relieve themselves

of the burden of finding and verifying the truth

for themselves-as if they could ride piggy-back

to enlightenment on the shoulders of some religion

or what some enlightened guy in the past said. Adyashanti from My Secret is Silence.

How can Truth, consciousness, peace, love, enlightenment, divine- whatever you want to call it be obtained like an object????? IT seems that as a seeker something believed that ‘it’ could be obtained.  WOW!  That was a misperception!! At this point, this perspective here has shifted big time.  As these are non physical ‘things’ they are not to be bought at the local Wallmart when i ‘get’ enough money or obtained by going to 5000 retreats and doing a million hours of sadhana. It seems that the mind or the ‘seeking’ energy has been trying to grasp or hold That which it can not be held or grasped!  Doesn’t seem like the sticky, clingy energy of the egoic mind will ‘get’ IT, as the Space is from this limited perspective at the moment, beyond or underneath all the stickiness and untouchable.

Here is another poem that speaks to to me .  I guess I am a a bit dribbly today….. I do so love Adya’s poems and one liners.  Forgive me.

Before you start to meditate, ask yourself a question:

Is it true that peace and silence are not here now?

With you intention to move towards quietness,

the first step we take is away from it

because we assume it’s not here already.

copyright by Adyashanti from My Secret is Silence.

I’m off to clean the kitchen and make dinner….. my real sadhana….is this ‘doing’ spiritual? Perhaps it is what is underneath all ‘doing’. Maybe the question could be WHO is doing the doing that needs to be noticed or realized?

WHO/WHAT IS THE SEEKER?  What does the seeking energy feel like under all the stories I tell or believe?I think i am going somewhere, aren’t I?