The Big Lie – re: the ‘Doing’ of Spiritual Seeking!

The Big Huge Lie – re: the ‘Doing’ of Spiritual Seeking!

Do you know what the big lie is?

I’ve been taught to believe as a spiritual seeker ….that I must purify my mind, body and heart before I can ‘earn’ peace. Peace or enlightenment must be ‘attained’ by the hard work of doing many practices and being ‘good at them’. I was taught that only a few chosen special people can become enlightened or awake and they of course were ‘perfect’ in all ways.

IS THAT TRUE?

If you think yes, then I challenge you to prove it with your own understanding and experience and not by something you heard, read or were taught. Check it out for yourself.

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Parts of me still believe the lie, so I have to keep meeting those parts as they arise. Just stop believing all the thoughts! Oh my God, the freedom! It is possible?
….it feels like something becoming unplugged and all the energy tied up in a certain belief kind of explodes out quietly as I write this…. leaving JUST THIS.

rainbow

Ok, obviously I haven’t stopped believing all thoughts as I am still writing…..

Been taking knitting lessons these past few weeks….. funny… as I knit and knit a sweater rather obsessively…..parts of the ‘me’ inside are unraveling…. Unraveling layers and layers …of seeking and learned survival modes of relating to life’s situations and the ways I relate with people. Some layers fall away and feel like a humungous ahhh yes! others… are like having to have a tooth pulled….. it needs to be pulled out to stop suffering, but I’m so afraid to go to the dentist!!!!
I find it interesting, though at times unsettling, to see the origins of suffering/ thoughts/feelings stuck inside of the belief systems that still have a hold on how I relate to life and the people in it. Intense…A lot of stuff I honestly would prefer not to remember, but it feels really good to let things drop away.

For thousands of years the teachers have been preaching to us to perform austerities of all sorts and the process will make us better, more spiritual, more likeable, nicer, happier, peaceful etc.

What if they were all wrong? I mean really wrong!

What the heck is ‘spiritual’ anyways? I realize I have been believing other people’s ideas about what is ‘spiritual’ and have been for many many years, trying to live up their ideas that had become my own. All uninvestigated thoughts, just taken to be true because someone said them or wrote them down thousands of years ago. Wow! So cool when I started to investigate, really look.

What if we don’t have to fast, do yoga, meditation, be a vegetarian, have 30 years of therapy, get rid of all emotions that aren’t positive, be angelically calm and always smiling never sad, never angry, actually get rid of any kind of emotions and always be in a high state of bliss and love, have bliss and love divinely emanating from our whole being like the smell/aura of cigarette smoke around a smoker. Oh my God, I have spent thousands of hours ‘doing’ stuff I considered would ‘get me somewhere’ else other than here. The somewhere else was a better more improved so called enlightened ‘me’. I thought. There is that believed thought again!

I’ve noticed that all beliefs are just thoughts that are sticky. Something inside us, thinks the thoughts are true and turns them into beliefs. Really cool, to investigate into that stickiness itself. Check it out for yourself. What is this sticky or clingy energy?. Where is it in the body…? Who/what experiences it?

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Beliefs are what cause all the wars! Has there ever been a war that wasn’t due to beliefs.
Even all the words I’ve just written here…. they can’t be believed. Good, bad, right, wrong… it seems that all beliefs whether so called positive or negative create suffering. Now the yogis use the word’attachment’. They say don’t be attached to your thoughts, feelings, people, places, basically anything…They taught people like myself that it is bad to be attached to people and things for example. For years I listened to that kind of teaching without really investigating what actually does ‘attachment’ mean. I misunderstood all these years and tried to fit myself into box of other people’s ideas….. WOW. No Blame…
Man, I think the spiritual people can become the most  judgemental, repressed, raging,  fundamental a..holes around. Did I write that? How unspiritual of me!
Guess ultimately I am talking about me – as ‘they’ say life is all a projection eh? Why do you think I started out on the so called spiritual path? Because  I wanted to be free of all the humanness that I encountered here. Big misunderstanding…..

Why can’t we just let ourselves be as we are and let others be as they are? Uninvestigated thoughts/beliefs that’s why! How about unlearning them all…. There is the freedom under it all.

So, despite all the rambling I just did, did you figure out the big lie?

 

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The big lie is that we have to DO ‘something’ in order to become something. Is it True?

Enlightenment: What Haven’t I tried Yet?

 

Sat down one night after teaching a yoga class in the Fall of 2006 and this came out. Fasten your seatbelts if you decide to read my reflections on my 30 years of being spiritual seeker…….another warning, there is a subtle or not so subtle occasional vibe of a kind of happily exploding rage……:)

What haven’t I tried yet?

A bicycle trip changed my life……. Be conscious when I die’ the prison psychologist said to my brother and I. That made something go ping inside of me… only goal in life for the past 30 years. I have tried everything to become conscious except one thing.….. be a better person, purify my body, change my emotional patterning, dive deep into past conditioning and rip it apart piece by piece, therapy of all sorts, change my reactions to people, get rid of this anger, that grief, never get angry at my kids, be a more patient person, understand this and that. I had to earn enlightenment with austerities of all sorts. Don’t eat this, eat that, sleep this long, get up at 4am, do this many hours of asanas, pranayam, meditation, study and I’ll get enlightened.Wildflower in our field.

If I think this or that thought – I am unspiritual. Oh.. all the inner judgments. Practically every thought is a judgment in some way. Believed that people who meditate long hours are more holy than being a mom. I challenge anyone who thinks of themselves as spiritual and hasn’t had children of their own – to have a child of their own – get them up and ready for the school bus day and in day out. What is your definition of spiritual now?

Wear white clothes only as they are pure and colours are not.
Don’t wear leather shoes as I became a vegetarian of course. Sat and mixed all sorts of meditations at once, hey why not do it all at the same time – I thought. Blew a few circuits. Pretty funny. Sex and no sex. Save ojas or not. Raise my kundalini, go insane. Think I’m bad and wrong for even existing. Believing so called enlightened yogis coming to the west with the air of mystery. Teaching no sex and they all are having sex it turns out. Hey maybe they are enlightened, I’ll never know, they just didn’t fit into my belief about how an enlightened person ‘should be’. Believing beliefs – that’s what causes wars. Can’t enlightened people have sex for Christ’s sake? Why did I believe everything? Maybe if I read this book, that book, I’ll find the secret to life I have missed. Go to this teacher and that. If I look like you, walk like you, eat the same food, can you give it to me? Keep spine straight, don’t sit with bad posture – God forbid, how unspiritual. You can’t be enlightened if you eat meat, have poor posture, smoke drugs or cigarettes, drink alcohol and have sex. As a result I don’t smoke, do drugs or drink alcohol, though I did indulge in a few of those things. Didn’t give up sex for long. Driveway into the Quietness

Thought getting a university degree would prove to myself that I wasn’t stupid. Didn’t make any difference. Funny that it took 17 years to complete. Give myself good marks for persistence. Persistence this is what I have had for 30 years! Take this vitamin or mineral, magic water, fasting, essential oils, and juicing. Never got into raw food, though in my early seeking years I fasted long and regularly, smoked pot, drank, ran a lot of miles, practiced yoga at least twice a day, played tennis and had a job – all on the same day. Hahahaha. Had boyfriends for as long as I could stand them. Those were the days. What fun!!!

I believed that person or that book. I believed another persons beliefs and judgments about me before I believed and listened to myself. I never honoured any feelings inside especially when someone else had their own opinion. Should I do this or do that? I was always wrong no matter what. God can’t be right here, inside of this insane form, I am too impure. Thought I would get enlightened in this life for sure. Truly felt that until I started to read all the books that said it takes many lifetimes and one must be pure of all negativity and basically be rid of all human emotions and desires etc. Now I see that I had an impossible idea of perfection as an enlightened human being inside fueling much of my life. I see that perfection is a man made concept that we accept and believe on some unconscious level. Tried to be perfect not knowing there is no such thing – only an idea inside someone’s head. I projected perfection on to teachers and perfected projecting onto teachers. Wanted to be like them rather than discovering how the hell am I anyways or who the hell am I? Only the gurus were allowed to be enlightened. We are all supposed to be followers for ever because they are supposed to know everything and it is disrespectful to wake up ourselves. Some unwritten taboo. What would happen to my relationship with teacher if I woke up? God forbid. I’ll just keep pretending – better than being honest.

lightness of being - a light pink spring peony

Always resonated with “Be still and know I am God.” Makes me weep when I stop.
I was Christian in a mystical way, then a Christian mystical yogi, than a Hindu Christian yogi, then definitely a Hindu yogi, then in India as a rebellious westerner yogi, wondering what is this hindu stuff all about, feeling hypocritical. Chanting mantra, kirtan, ran yoga retreats. Thought all these things would get me ‘there’. Started to forget why I was doing all this in the first place. Became a habit. I don’t even know what enlightenment is, how could I even recognize it. Obviously my ideas and beliefs about it were wrong. Not good enough for anything or anyone. Got to get rid of my ego – all the while creating a huge frigging spiritual ego. All sorts of variations. The ego of belittling the self. I have great conditioning in this arena.

Enlightenment- a pie in the sky, in the so called spiritual world. What the fuck is IT anyways? Trying to live up to other peoples concepts of how I ‘should be’ and they are living up to someone else’s made up concepts. Concepts keep the world of so called personal hells carrying on. Talk about fuel for the spiritual ego. My God. Hilarious. Look outside for all answers. Always looking out. Always discounting what is here inside as wrong. To say No or Yes is like pulling teeth. Big resistance depending on angle of my perception. Most of life fuelled by ‘NO’. Mind blowing to really see this. To say Yes when the pattern of No is so big inside has been an interesting process. To say No when something inside is screaming it and the conditioning is afraid to say it because of self judgment and believing I have to keep everyone happy and make sure everyone likes me. Fucking hell really. All self created. All self created……

Have you noticed that absolutely everything is temporary in terms of doing spiritual practices? If you fast, do asanas, meditate, study this or that, move energy this way or that way, go on this retreat, it is still all related to the conceptual world that DIES and or changes form. Temporarily you’ll feel good after doing asanas, meditation, eating a so called ‘pure’ and tasteless diet. Isn’t it the temporary form that is affected by all of this doing? The conditioning comes back. We crash back into our humanness after our temporary ‘highs’ or retreats from life. Believed that only the old forms of spiritual paths are best, new ones are deluded. It is all a huge misunderstanding. Talk about ego eh! Being what I thought was a spiritual person on some deep level – I thought I was better and more holy than people who didn’t practice the same practices as me. Was I ever deluded! Its all ego for Christ’s sake….just different expressions of same across the board ignorance.
Funny isn’t it!

Sunrise Buddha

Isn’t God BIGGER than fasting, asanas, meditation, nationality and Death of the Body? Isn’t God bigger than believing this is the way to worship God or that way is the way to worship God? Does God care? WHAT isn’t affected by all this DOING? What is underneath all of the doing? The spiritual practices are on the surface of being. Re-arranging the temporary forms of existence – not saying it is bad, just saying it is not IT. What is not temporary? Don’t want to be stuck in man made forms anymore…. save me …….What is not man made? What is not thought up by humans?
Is GOD affected by any of the so called spiritual practices? I resonate with the word GOD. Maybe it is my church background, even the minister couldn’t answer me when I asked him to prove to me that there is a God.
I resonate with the words ‘ Divine’ , ‘Spirit’ and ‘Love’ and ‘Joy’. Despite seeing the hell on this planet created by man made religions – I appear to have a very devotional nature. I resonate with the form of Hanuman in a deeply and surprising way lately. Gratitude is my teacher. The altar of the Heart is my new resting place when it all stops and I take notice. The Alter of the Heart has always been here.

I resonate with the teachings of Adyashanti and am so deeply grateful for Adyashanti. Why not be open to what is here, here, here and here. Look at the leaves on the trees how still they are. Hanging in the air oh soooo still. Thousands and thousands of leaves on one tree – just being.

Adyashanti

Wake up or bust, become awakened, become conscious, get enlightened. . 30 years I have been struggling to be conscious. Do this , do that. A professional seeker. All the time hiding behind everything going on outside and everything going on inside. Always really simply afraid to meet what is really True…..no blame, just habits of humanity. Can’t do this anymore. …..breaking free, coming out of the self created prison, not knowing, no clue, afraid, don’t know ‘how’ the mind pattern says… hahahahahahaha.
WHAT TRASH ! ALL OF IT!

Springtime bud of a  wild Mayapple
A small green shoot peeking up out of the dirt, so rich, a big sky above, not knowing, IT blossoms into an exquisite flower. I’m going outside to play.

Can you figure out what I haven’t tried?

Sunrise at the cottage

………….on the morning I started to write these words a very quiet voice inside said from behind… GIVE UP. A voice I had never heard before from somewhere very very deep. Who or what said that. A louder voice said I can’t give up how ridiculous what a failure. …I’ve been listening to the louder voice my whole life.

Wait a minute….the one thing …. I have never tried is ……GIVING UP…..reeeeaaalllly stopping all of this doing. Don’t even know how to give up.
STOP.
Afraid to STOP.

The Truth Soup

The following is a story by Antony DeMello in his book, “The Song of the Bird”.

I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw the name of the shop: THE TRUTH SHOP.

The salesman was very polite. What type of truth did I wish to purchase, partial or whole? The whole truth, of course. No deceptions for me, no defenses, no rationalizations. I wanted my truth plain and unadulterated. She waved me on to another side of the store.

The salesman there pointed to the price tab. ” The price is very high, sir, “he said. “What is it?” I asked, determined to get the whole truth, no matter what it cost. “Your security, sir,” he answered.

I came away with a heavy heart. I still need the safety of my unquestioned beliefs.

Isn’t that a fantastic story!! We all want enlightenment but do we REALLY want enlightenment and WHO is it that WANTS IT? There is that question again!

Fall leaves in Gormley

How about the autumn leaves? They are supposedly dying, but look how beautiful they are and then they float effortlessly to the ground in all their glory! Can we surrender like the leaves in autumn?

I don’t know…. do you think life is just one continuous creation? Maybe us humans are just the creations and playthings of the Source of it all and we aren’t the bosses! Humans seem to think we run the show!

Talk about creativity, check out these red maple leaves!!!!!

look at the colour!!!!

I think that is hilarious!!!!! what a hoot! Man can’t stop an earthquake or a volcano errupting. Man doesn’t make the trees grow, the flowers blossom forth, the leaves change colour! *or maybe with all our global warming we are affecting the earth… but not in a way our human minds would call positive. Perhaps man isn’t so all knowing and blah blah blah….. wasn’t the earth better off before humans started to destroy it with their beliefs that they could make something better?

okay I’ll stop, i can feel the rambling coming on…. got to go get my child at the bus!!!!! you fill in the rest……

What is Yoga ….anyways?

Rambling, stream of consciousness, not sure who would care to read, but it is good to write. Ever heard of Jed McKenna’s books. Check him out at http://www.wisefoolpress.cm

Never had a blog…. not sure if i will do this…. i am a yogi unravelling at the seams. Warning, don’t read this if you are in the romantic stage of your yoga practice. It is not my intent to ruin your relationship with your yoga practice. I am just in a place where i am interested in only the Source of IT ALL. What is underneath it all?

Don’t get lost in the methods of yoga, drop into the TRUTH of Yoga that some would say, is already here right now!

Almost 30 years i have been practicing ‘yoga’ and only yesterday a thought floated into my head…. What is yoga in my own experience?

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How about the beautiful picture of the geranium for an answer. Can you dip into the essence that the flower expresses?

The answer comes not in words. If i use words to describe IT, is is only empty words on the surface of life. Discover for your self, what is yoga?

If you want to read what others have said about what is yoga, go to the articles on my website or read some books. But remember, we can forget ourselves in others concepts and beliefs and never get to know who we REALLY ARE!

All these years i have been believing and worshiping what all the books, the great yogis and teachers have written and said. I’ve taken their words as the Truth , and strived, seeked, searched, taught, tried to change or get rid of all the humanness inside as it didn’t seem to fit what the ancients and modern yogis were teaching. 30 years of only really rearranging my ‘ego’ and all this time i thought i was trying to get rid of it! Wow, what a shock! I;m not saying what they said isn’t true, i am just suggesting it is time to investigate for myself, go deeper than surface beliefs. So much of what i have done, thought, and or believed in was just putting bandaids on the conscious or unconscious pain that every once and a while would surface. Yoga, the spiritual quest was all just me trying to feel better, to help me escape and not feel what i was feeling. I would go and get my fix through yoga and all it had to offer to leave the present moment and float away in some altered space. Let me put on incense, turn down the lights, new age floating music and do 5000 hours of asanas, pranayam and do the methods with the aim of ‘getting somewhere’ other than here. Truly for me, a huge resistance to all of life, from before i can even remember, inside like a seething little hairless Voldemort, manipulating my daily life now, inner and outer.

Can we live now free of all past, our parents, their parents and further back.The beach in Cuba!

All practices started with the aim of enlightenment or so i thought ….Learned to believe that enlightenment was only for the purest of pure humans and that it must be earned by hard austerities and non emotional people that always have a smile on their face and moved, thought, spoke slowly. Speediness is not allowed, it is bad and unyogic or so i thought. All humanness was supposed to be controlled as it is said to be ‘not pure’ and negative. So much of yoga is about control = control your thoughts, control the breathe, control the body, control the desires, feelings, words, interactions, time, our big toes – you name it – all about control.

Control, judgement and fear seem to go hand in hand. A thought comes up that comments on something, it is believed on an unconsious level to be true and then we believe that we must change what is happening either inside or outside. We must ‘get rid of this or that’. We think when the inside or outside is changed to fit the picture of what the controller believes is right or ‘perfect’ than all will be well. The judging thought believes it is correct and all knowing in its assessment of the situation at hand. The energy of fear arises due to our belief that the judgement is correct. Or was the fear first to arise ? Was all the judgements , control, rage due to fear? Will i be found out?

unravelling some morre….

The fear of being beaten down physically, verbally, emotionally. I am feeling this in the body, phew….wow….. this seems to have been unconsciously been fueling my whole life. Oh My God! Now i see my father and mother in a whole new light, a bigger picture….. the BUCK STOPS HERE! Adyashanti says that the darkness comes up to be meet in the light. This seems to be what is happening more and more. Intense but also a great relief. How else can I describe it? The picture below, the first spring flower coming up out of the mud and ages leaves. Incredible to really see this in the spring. This flower is inside under all our conditioning!

wild bloodroot in spring

This seems worth meditating on! The first flower in spring, wild bloodroot!

IS IT TRUE?

Control seems to be all about not feeling what is here. Put boundaries/limits on absolutely everything. The belief that what is here is wrong, impure, can’t deal with it, let me escape, resist my life til i die. Put a lid on life energy manifesting or else! The energy of fear presents itself inside. Quick stop breathing!

What about a yoga practice that is about being here, exploring and discovering from one’s own perspective!

Rather than lets get into this level of samadhi and float for 2 hours, while the dog is tearing the house apart. Altered states are fine and dandy, but the shit hits the road when the dishes are dirty and there are 10 loads of laundry to be sorted, the furballs are rolling in the living room, dinner needs to be made, the emails answered, the letters mailed, the phonecalls answered, kids driven to there classes, family members wanting to be noticed and recognised, friends wanting to have lunch. My God…… how does yoga come into this arena!!!!!Into LIFE not just on a mat in some serene yoga studio for God’s sake!!!!!

What about a yoga practice that teaches one to go into the fear, the judgements, the pain when it arises and meet it all with a huuuge aaahhh YES this too.

Who/what is the controller? Meditate on that! What does energy of the controller feel like inside? What is the source of the controller inside feel like? what is it? What am I without fear, judgement, control? How do i live without fear? Who would i be without fear?

somewhere over the rainbow in my OWN BACKYARD!
i’ve tried to put a picture with this post, i took it a few weeks back literally in my backyard. I’ve called it – Somewhere over the Rainbow…… the spiritual quest is like always looking to the end of the rainbow. How about hanging out in the deliciousness of the rainbow right here?

This has been a fun rant. Always something to learn.